I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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