im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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