I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
