When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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