i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
