were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The uberlube is also flammable
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
