Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
