I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
worst night to have a conscience
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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