his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
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You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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