All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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