tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
