Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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