The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
