i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
