i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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