If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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