I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
