i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
