I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
