I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
