Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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