Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
