he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Randomize
