Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
