So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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