you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
