If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
