I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need to calm my uterus...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
