Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
whose parrot is this?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
