I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
