just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
