I must be too annoying 4 u.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
