I got chris browned last night
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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