I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
