Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
