grandma shit on top of the toilet
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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