did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
