yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
