k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
