Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
