Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
