2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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