I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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