this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
