She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
