there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
