How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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