tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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