My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
