70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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