I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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