My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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